and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
