I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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