That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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