the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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