I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
