I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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