You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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