I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
