just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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