he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
