maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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