you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
