My liver just broke up with me...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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