i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We are two peas in an std pod
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
