Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
