I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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