Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
