He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
