I think my fart just growled at me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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