Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
