Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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