I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
