My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
