I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
is it fun? or sober?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
