halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
