My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
