well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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