the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We're too hungover to prance.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
