low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
