i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
