; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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