i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just found puke in my bra..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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