this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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