I wish I could teleport
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
