wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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