She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
