I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
