note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
