I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
