Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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