She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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