I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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