At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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