my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
