omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
