he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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