I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
