he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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