im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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