she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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