Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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