first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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