Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
