I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
