Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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